Magnified self examination or magnified God examination?

I was unusually profited by the magnified self examination of the ladies' Bible study yesterday. I say unusually because my ordinary way is self examination which leads to a fainthearted spirit. I must be growing in grace in that area or this church is a mature distributer of the aged tools that grow special graces when it comes to self examination.

It is my conviction and biblically established that self examination is a necessary pain and discipline of following after the Master. God's Word and the study of men's writings and meditations of God in their self examination is a well worn tool in my spiritual engagements. I have nearly always perceived this painful process as a surgical invasive procedure. The spiritual battle that I had getting to church to endure such a pain was always emotional and it was yesterday. When I got there, however the feeling of fellowship and blessing was more of dear young friends on the playground learning needed motorskills, than a doctor or dentist visit. I felt that we were on the junglejim and it was nearly impossible for me to go across the bars, or of ladies discussing different spiritual makeup techniques to beautify their expressions of their hearts. I simply cannot get away from that slavish fear to get to childlike fear{those were quotes from John Calvin that I was blessed by}. Rather than feeling, as was often my conclusion, that my relationship with my Heavenly Father is suspect for such a state as I am in; I felt physically inept and incapable and must do exercises to develop that muscle area in that spot. It is true that I may never get away from the slavish fear that I have in my soul in some spots of my development. But I will never lose my Heavenly Father's love. I have grown to know that as perhaps I couldn't have known it previously.

To change the imagery from scripture; the magnifying glass of application of my spiritual makeup that will help me to know that my adorning must be of the inward person of the heart and not of the external woman of the cosmetic does not make me any more or less human. Thank you Lord for sweet fellowship in Christ to learn to lean on Jesus and not even on the blessedness of the study. Thank you for ladies fellowship in this area. Amen.