When my heart is overwhelmed...

Psalm 61:2 Hear my cry, O Lord, attend unto my prayer.

Sometimes, I am not overwhelmed as I ought to be about my sins. And then, all of a sudden the floodgates of memory of God's holiness and my continual circumstantial habits of flagrant sins sweep over me and I am overwhelmed. It seems like I am the only one in the universe and God's finger is sticking in my chest in condemnation for my own transgressions.
I remember my many penitential prayers. I remember that I promised God millions of times to stop it and here I am again engaged in the same muck and mire. I remember my catechism classes in second grade and third grade, learning "sin is any lack of conformity to or transgression of the law of God." I really thought I was going to forsake that sin altogether. I cried, I confessed to God. I went to confession. I had people and others praying with me about it. I told God, I love you more than this and I am finished with this sin. Just to be standing here again in the same problem. When will I be rid of this? When will the overwhelmingness that Your goodness and unfailingness has been spit upon in my stumblings? I can't get over it, Lord. I don't know whether to stop praying till I get this right or what? I know stopping praying isn't the problem. That is the lie of the enemy. It is the devil who tells me that. I know that it is not your finger in my chest that I feel. It is my own finger of condemnation and expectation of ascendancy to a "sinless existence".

God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

When am I gonna be Saved? When am I gonna act SAVED?
Everytime they get to that part of the service, I am on one side or the other of the pendulum. I am either pacifying myself saying, I am glad I am not like those people and redemption seems like a wall between me and those others who are struggling. I am deceived in my self righteousness or I am grovelling in the pity of my continual condition of inability to help myself in this or that area of life.

Where will I find a modicum of stability in the spiritual realm?

My Heart is overwhelmed!I am in the condition that David found himself in Psalm 61, in his honesty before God. I am very aware of my sinful condition before God. I am very sorry, but where is the solace and when will there be freedom from this state?

Jesus PAID it all!

An even greater comfort than that which David knew in his inherited blessing is ours in Christ. He is the Rock that is higher than I. He extends a greater compassion for our failings that flailings. He is the payment and the full price for sins. I can take it to Him, time and time again and know that He is the balm for my putrid condition. He is healing me and drawing me closer to Him, as I reach for Him in my sensitive state. That is actually a more real condition than I am sensorious of. My emotions can stretch the gammut. A sense of closeness to God at times that I know that I am His to a sense of comradery with the devil, himself and the fear that is his eternal state. When I remember that the price for my soul is set in Christ and my trust is not in my own trust, but in His completed work? I can carry my crippled soul to the only real help.

My contrition is real and it is not just an act. It has become the cry of my heart. It is not something that they taught me. It is a prayer that I have owned as my own remembrance of my condition and Christ's finished work

Oh My God, I am heartly sorry that I have offended Thee! I truly do detest all my sins because they offend Thee, my God! Amen.