The very first Ash Wednesday that I remember was in second grade. The reality of sin and the reality of death were instructed by my teacher and I knew that I wanted to flee sin and badness to whereever I could get away from them.
I just get very angry that people always seemed to tell me that Jesus was the fixer of those things and I didn't understand what that meant. Maybe, I still don't.
Even in the second grade they said, "if you come to Jesus you won't learn to be as evil as your enemies." At every step of faith the guideposts seemed to say following Jesus is going to keep you from being like your enemies. I ran, far away from being like "them!" Who are they? What are they? Sinners, mean people, people that are mean to little people, black people, big families, the oppressed. I felt that Jesus would keep me from being like them. For years, I prayed like the Pharissee. Lord, I thank you that because of my faith, I am not like... When I sinned, I didn't know what to do, because my faith couldn't have an answer for this conundrum. I am being prejudiced, I am being mean, like Grandma Ruth, I am being unkind, like this or that person and my faith, is supposed to keep me from that. I was at a loss. I was empty of answers for this and I felt that the whole world of leaders had lied to me. I still have this sin, in myself. Taking "Holy Communion" didn't clean it, "Getting Saved" didn't keep me from sinning, "Getting Filled" with the Spirit didn't keep me from sinning and having my moments of sometimes meanness. I know that I had it all wrong, in the depth of my heart. I would hear and confess and forsake, but "Who will deliver me from the body of this death?" Scriptural question that festers still in my soul. Jesus comes with deep compassion to the Pharissaical works oriented believer. Jesus comes with quiet confidence to cleanse the deepest stain of self-righteousness. People try to control little people and they threaten Hell upon them, if they won't "be good". That is the wrong answer. You can be as good as gold and go to Hell. You can be as wicked as Satan and go to Hell. God changes the heart. I want to do good, not so I won't be like my enemies, but so I will please and make my Heavenly Father happy, because of the price that was paid for those sins. A perfect Savior gave His life's blood, so that I can know Him and know life and love Him. Loud talk doesn't save the soul, the quiet confidence of a Savior preached in truth does.
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