Certain details of the funeral day are clear as day 29 years later and some of them pale!

I recall the beauty and the comfort of beautiful people with groceries to feed the people. I remember the delight of sitting next to my father in the front row of church, which would never happen again. I remember the pain in my deepest soul and the questions without answers, that kept my knees quivering and kept me from standing up for the wobble.

Most of all, I remember the sound of a mighty congregation singing that breathed strength into my wobbly knees, to get up and worship God in my darkest hour. I will never forget that wonder. There is power on earth to breathe strength into the faint and it is a corporate strength. I am eternally grateful to God for that strength and prayer that saves the weakest and faintest cry.

Each year, God takes me into the dark cave of my grief to give me new strength to march on in Grace and Confidence of His Love. I never look forward to the entering and I never want to leave the cave, once I am in there. It is a fiery entrance, a piercing and anxiety-producing entrance. The cave is dark behind it, but God always meets me there. He seems to explain His uses of means to hold me up and uses of pain to draw me to Him, but never answering the multiple questions. They become insignificant, in His presence. Sometimes it is a loud praise that comes out of the cave and sometimes it is a silent wonder. Sometimes, like Mary, I have a magnificat and sometimes like Zacharias I am struck dumb. But, it is always an amazing and love-filled interaction with my Dearest Friend and confidant, the Lord. He is still walking me through the griefs of life, I don't always like it. But I love Him each day for being there with me.

I stand by the graveside, in my heart for the entire month and ask and ask and the silence on that front is deafening. You would think that I would have stopped asking, by now. My heart can't stop asking. My heart is in the many pieces and God holds it in front of me and breathes on it and puts it back in my chest. Just keep breathing and marching and there are more answers to come and more battles to fight. That is always the answer to my questions.