A Kiss from My Savior

When I was at the very darkest hour of my life. I couldn't see God. I couldn't read God's Word. My friend picked up Spurgeon, on just this day and read this to me. It was a kiss from my Savior and I was helped!

What a blessing!

Only Christ is perfectly faithful.

Somedays, it feels like He's not there. 23 years ago was the very furthest I felt from my Lord. I still ask God where He was on this day. I know in my mind that He was there. Ju and I sat on the phone not able to sleep or think of anything else but a funeral on the next day. How could You allow my baby to die? I have since seen that death and not God snatched my baby. He is sovereign, but death is the snatcher and it is a bitter pill to swallow, when it comes to your home. Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly. Truly, God was not the author of death. We discovered it through sin. I felt God come near when I gave Him the grief of my heart and resigned myself to the truth that He is greater, even than the pain and grief of sin and death. I celebrate that even when God seems absent, as in anguish and grief and war and many unfair and sin-wrought things of this life, He is present.

I was in the middle of some very spontaneous prayers for Jo's baby, when the thunder bolt struck.

It was a sunshower and I was lamenting my inability to hug my pregnant sister and the want to kidnap that sweet baby straight out of the womb, just because. The thunder hollared, You don't mean that!
I was remembering the very first boy that I wished for, Michael. I was remembering Grandma Ruth- Pooh-pooing my tears and implorings and more and more thunder, reminded me that I have been more than compensated for my broken heart, that day. After it was all over and the girls and I reminisced and said, amen to an impromptu prayer for the impossible of seeing that baby in person at birth and the reality of wishing all of the most healthy things happen. We looked outside and the biggest rainbow at the back door behind our house, seemed to say amen with us. We loved that God lets us know He hears.

Faith is sometimes loud, Love is sometimes very loud, but hope is very quiet.

The very first Ash Wednesday that I remember was in second grade. The reality of sin and the reality of death were instructed by my teacher and I knew that I wanted to flee sin and badness to whereever I could get away from them.
I just get very angry that people always seemed to tell me that Jesus was the fixer of those things and I didn't understand what that meant. Maybe, I still don't.
Even in the second grade they said, "if you come to Jesus you won't learn to be as evil as your enemies." At every step of faith the guideposts seemed to say following Jesus is going to keep you from being like your enemies. I ran, far away from being like "them!" Who are they? What are they? Sinners, mean people, people that are mean to little people, black people, big families, the oppressed. I felt that Jesus would keep me from being like them. For years, I prayed like the Pharissee. Lord, I thank you that because of my faith, I am not like... When I sinned, I didn't know what to do, because my faith couldn't have an answer for this conundrum. I am being prejudiced, I am being mean, like Grandma Ruth, I am being unkind, like this or that person and my faith, is supposed to keep me from that. I was at a loss. I was empty of answers for this and I felt that the whole world of leaders had lied to me. I still have this sin, in myself. Taking "Holy Communion" didn't clean it, "Getting Saved" didn't keep me from sinning, "Getting Filled" with the Spirit didn't keep me from sinning and having my moments of sometimes meanness. I know that I had it all wrong, in the depth of my heart. I would hear and confess and forsake, but "Who will deliver me from the body of this death?" Scriptural question that festers still in my soul. Jesus comes with deep compassion to the Pharissaical works oriented believer. Jesus comes with quiet confidence to cleanse the deepest stain of self-righteousness. People try to control little people and they threaten Hell upon them, if they won't "be good". That is the wrong answer. You can be as good as gold and go to Hell. You can be as wicked as Satan and go to Hell. God changes the heart. I want to do good, not so I won't be like my enemies, but so I will please and make my Heavenly Father happy, because of the price that was paid for those sins. A perfect Savior gave His life's blood, so that I can know Him and know life and love Him. Loud talk doesn't save the soul, the quiet confidence of a Savior preached in truth does.

Psalm 45 Love to God!

My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer.
Psalm 45:2 Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips: therefore God hath blessed thee for ever.
Psalm 45:3 Gird thy sword upon thy thigh, O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty.
Psalm 45:4 And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things.
Psalm 45:5 Thine arrows are sharp in the heart of the king's enemies; whereby the people fall under thee.
Psalm 45:6 Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre.
Psalm 45:7 Thou lovest righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, thy God, hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows.
Psalm 45:8 All thy garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out of the ivory palaces, whereby they have made thee glad.
Psalm 45:9 Kings' daughters were among thy honourable women: upon thy right hand did stand the queen in gold of Ophir.
Psalm 45:10 Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father's house;
Psalm 45:11 So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him.
Psalm 45:12 And the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour.
Psalm 45:13 The king's daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold.
Psalm 45:14 She shall be brought unto the king in raiment of needlework: the virgins her companions that follow her shall be brought unto thee.
Psalm 45:15 With gladness and rejoicing shall they be brought: they shall enter into the king's palace.
Psalm 45:16 Instead of thy fathers shall be thy children, whom thou mayest make princes in all the earth.
Psalm 45:17 I will make thy name to be remembered in all generations: therefore shall the people praise thee for ever and ever.

God is able to preserve our memory in the righteousness of the children that we rear. We cannot affect the godliness of the fathers much, but the godliness of our children is a preservative of our memory. I receive that as a promise in verse 16. I hear the spirit say, you prayed to see fathers serve and love God, though they have not, the children may. I still pray and commit the ways to God.

Hell Hath no Fury like...Hell hath no Vacuum like...

Why is Hell personified in femininity? Proverbs 7 struck me anew today. The woman whose sin is exposed prepares for the sin of her life. She is empty and longing and she makes religious sacrifices for the prey of her longing. She is a vacuum for Hell, says the writer of the Proverb. I imagine my son coming home from her house with his excuses. "She needed me. She prepared for me. She was hungry, mother? What could I do?" Surely, God will see the expectation of my body and longings were met? No, son, that is not how God works. She won't even remember you when you walk that way, next time. You will see her vacuuming someone else's soul.
I imagine my own sinful tendencies. Mother of life or vacuum into hell? Are you giving truth or justifying sin? I pray that God would make me aware of my own heart's truth. Thank you Lord, for redemption. Thank you Lord, for instruction in righteousness and may the days of want not turn to days of wanton.
Christ's loving relationship is the only remedy and help for the fury and vacuum of hell in the soul.
Christ is not a bunch of sacrifices and services to prepare for the sins I intend to commit tomorrow or today. He is the embrace that I run to for healing and strength and grace to help in a time of need. Lord, I thank You that You are the truly healing and helping Lord and God.