The Precious Comfort of Acceptance in the Beloved

I think that I suffer from a spiritual amnesia, sometimes. The devil deceives me and I think that when I get myself together, I will be fit for worship and fellowship. I can't bring myself to face my brethren in my persistent sullen state. I drag or am dragged to worship and the face of comfort encourages my soul. The Word and the Worship are there, certainly; but, the salve of the faces of beloved brethren reminds me of the love of God.
Only the Christian has this injestion of the love of God in fellowship with others. God lends a piece of Himself as we gather for worship and fellowship. He says that where two or three are gathered there He is.
His special presence is a comfort to the grieving, a rebuke to the rebellious and so much more.
This is why the devil, himself opposes the fellowship of believers and does much to stand between us and our places of worship.
Satan says, they are not all that, you are not all that and why would you want to gather with them. Or, he scares you that this love could not be pure or purified, even by grace. He is a liar. God is exalted when we gather, notwithstanding remaining sin and corruption; blessed be the tie that binds..

What a tender representation of unity between brothers was my reading, this morning.

I can imagine the departure, as being so very caustic as it was would engender a terror that the reunion could have been warfare between two people groups. Jacob and Esau had parted, the one having stolen the other's birthright and blessing.
Many times, I have imagined the thoughts of Jacob and the preparation that it took to attempt to quell the possible wrath of a highly inflamatory brother.
This morning the spotlight seemed to fall on Esau. The longing and missing of his brother outweighed any upsetment that he may have felt justified in harboring.
My mind, immediately, jumped to the scene in the movie the King and I. I wished and hoped in retrospect that the answer of God to bring the gospel to Siam may have been in direct answer to the penitential prayers of Esau to his father, at the loss of the blessing.
How wondrous a thought, that God might have woven, even that penitence into the New Testament redemption. I see Esau seeing his earthly blessing as having been comparable to his brother's and saying to himself, there must have been more that my father was blessing him with than goats and wives. I see him passing the tradition of greeting dignitaries with a procession, as his brother did, all the way until...Anna. Each Father would pass down the story of the wonderful reunion of brothers: One blessed on earth and one in heaven.
The pursuit of God's truth was not passed on, but the pursuit of reconcilation to the brother in offence was passed on, perhaps.
Redemption is the gift of God, but what a day it will be when we are able to see the weaving of, even our forfather's ungodly longings into the pouring of God's grace upon us. Christ has become for us redemption and restitution for every injustice and seemed injustice. Esau, reconciled with his brother and if Siam's redemption was related to the repentance of the hated brother, it was redemption, unearned, but pleaded for.
God's presence is won, when pleaded for in our churches, on the other hand and let us not, like Esau miss the Heavenly blessing for the earthly.

I find a sort of Resurrection eclipse every year.

Some years the flashlight that I take into the cave of my remorse is the "Stations of the Cross".
I have little difficulty remembering the sacrifice of Christ, any other time of the year except Easter. What an irony of that!
My God is so merciful to be patient with my peculiar season of unbelief coinciding with the celebration of the Resurrection by the Church. Some years, I want to miss church altogether, on that day. I feel like going up to the once a year Saints and telling them off. It is the "butinsky, West Indian" woman in my soul that gives vent in this season. Castigating sinners for their one use of the means of grace is a worse shame. My angry grief puts a hand on my mouth.
The Holy Spirit has reproved me, so gently, through the birth of my nephew, Stoney: The most recent grandbaby. 8 years after my baby Ezra was born. I have had a hard time prying myself out of my path of grief. Occasionally, one of these situations will come up, where I cannot find my bearings, in the celebration that my sins are forgiven as a result of the resurrection.
My baby's death on Easter Sunday, seems to dredge up the very putridest of sores in my soul. Every year, there is some cleaning of the wound that has become a habit.

This year,there is a greater season of hard thoughts of God. I must silence my words of unbelief and thank God! My salvation is not in question, but God's mercy, seems compromised to my soul. I trust the eternal payment for my sins, but there is a blinder, that questions the goodness of God to me, personally.

I usually shed this dead skin some time after Easter, in the meantime; I miss a wonderful opportunity to love God and enjoy His Resurrection celebration.

My sins, Oh the bliss of this glorious thought.
My sins, not in part, but the whole. Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more!
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!

I lay my sins on Jesus,
The spotless Lamb of God;
He bears them all and frees us
From the accursed load.
I bring my guilt to Jesus,
To wash my crimson stains
White in His blood most precious,
Till not a spot remains.

I lay my wants on Jesus,
All fulness dwells in Him;
He heals all my diseases,
He doth my soul redeem.
I lay my griefs on Jesus,
My burdens and my cares;
He from them all releases,
He all my sorrow shares.

I rest my soul on Jesus,
This weary soul of mine;
His right hand me embraces,
I on His breast recline.
I love the name of Jesus,
Immanuel, Christ, the Lord;
Like fragrance on the breezes
His Name abroad is poured.

I long to be like Jesus,
Meek, loving, lowly, mild;
I long to be like Jesus,
The Father's Holy Child.
I long to be with Jesus,
Amid the heav'nly throng,
To sing with saints His praises,
To learn the angels' song.

The Explanation of the basics of Christ's work reminds me and takes me back to basics.Unbelief cries "why me?" The Stations take me to the place where I say-WHY HIM? HE FIRST LOVED ME?

A Kiss from My Savior

When I was at the very darkest hour of my life. I couldn't see God. I couldn't read God's Word. My friend picked up Spurgeon, on just this day and read this to me. It was a kiss from my Savior and I was helped!

What a blessing!

Only Christ is perfectly faithful.

Somedays, it feels like He's not there. 23 years ago was the very furthest I felt from my Lord. I still ask God where He was on this day. I know in my mind that He was there. Ju and I sat on the phone not able to sleep or think of anything else but a funeral on the next day. How could You allow my baby to die? I have since seen that death and not God snatched my baby. He is sovereign, but death is the snatcher and it is a bitter pill to swallow, when it comes to your home. Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly. Truly, God was not the author of death. We discovered it through sin. I felt God come near when I gave Him the grief of my heart and resigned myself to the truth that He is greater, even than the pain and grief of sin and death. I celebrate that even when God seems absent, as in anguish and grief and war and many unfair and sin-wrought things of this life, He is present.

I was in the middle of some very spontaneous prayers for Jo's baby, when the thunder bolt struck.

It was a sunshower and I was lamenting my inability to hug my pregnant sister and the want to kidnap that sweet baby straight out of the womb, just because. The thunder hollared, You don't mean that!
I was remembering the very first boy that I wished for, Michael. I was remembering Grandma Ruth- Pooh-pooing my tears and implorings and more and more thunder, reminded me that I have been more than compensated for my broken heart, that day. After it was all over and the girls and I reminisced and said, amen to an impromptu prayer for the impossible of seeing that baby in person at birth and the reality of wishing all of the most healthy things happen. We looked outside and the biggest rainbow at the back door behind our house, seemed to say amen with us. We loved that God lets us know He hears.